He allowed her and Quynh to help him to one of the private rooms, blessedly not one he had used recently with Will, and let them lay him down on the bed. He had stopped sobbing, but he was still trembling nearly uncontrollably. Nile and Copley were following awkwardly on their heels, and Nicky had practically had to hold Joe back from joining them, murmuring “don’t crowd him, my love. We’ll be here when he’s ready.”
Andy curled up on the bed next to him, and Quynh joined on the other side, and bracketed between the two of them he had never felt safer. “You’re in a bad way, aren’t you, sweetheart?” Andy asked, her fingers tracing indiscernible patterns in his hair. “I’m sorry that it took us so long to see it. I was worried, when I would see you come back from your scenes looking pretty badly injured and a bit off, but I didn’t imagine it was like this.”
Booker swallowed, deeply, and said “I consented to all of it, really I did,” like he needed her to know that, and it was Quynh who sighed. “That’s good, because otherwise Andy and I would have to kill these fools who have been playing with you, but it’s also a Dom’s job to read between the lines and to know when green isn’t green.” She pressed a gentle kiss to his forehead. “You can tell us everything, whenever you are ready, but I promise that we will never ever let you get hurt like that again. I don’t mean the physical pain,” she added as he started to interject. “I’m happy to give you that myself if you want. But we will take better care of you from now on.”
Booker sighed shakily and rested his head on Andy’s shoulder, closing his eyes and trying to focus on his breathing. “If I tell you everything, will you tell Nicky and Joe later?” He asked, nuzzling into Andy’s chest. “I can’t talk about it twice.” Nile was the one who spoke up first, confidently reassuring him that she would, that they would do whatever Booker needed.
“About a year after Joe and I graduated from college,” he started, hand reaching out to try and find something to comfort him, fisting in the sheets at first and then Quynh offered him her hand, squeezing gently. “I met the most amazing woman while I was back in France visiting my brother. Emilie. She was everything I could have ever dreamed off and we fell in love and got married in short order.” He sighed again. “She was perfect, my Emilie, and we were so happy together, except...” he waved his hand a bit, to encompass the selection of whips hanging on the wall, the St Andrews Cross in the corner, the whole club. “Except I had always craved this, Joe and I used to talk about it all the time in college, and my Emilie was the most vanilla person you could imagine. I brought it up with her only once, but it was clear that she would never want to try anything like what fuelled my fantasies.” He gave a little hitching sob and squeezed Quynh’s hand tighter. “I cheated on her. I don’t know how I could have done such a thing, she was such a lovely person. One time, when she was out of town, I came to a place like this. I didn’t do anything sexual, but that doesn’t matter, it was plenty intimate. I found a man, because I told myself that that was better, that it was alright because he was nothing like my beloved wife, let him beat me until I was bruised from head to toe. The bruises only just managed to heal by the time she came back from visiting her family.” He closed his eyes in shame, and Andy pressed a sweet kiss to his forehead, reassuring. “I never did it again, never told her. It ate at me, every day, the horrible guilt of it, the fact that even worse, I still craved how it had made me feel.” Tears welled up, and he did nothing to stop them. “And then my Emilie, the light of my life, got sick and died, and I don’t know how I could have ever wanted for anything more than her. I was so, so lucky to have her—how could I have been so weak as to still want more?”
Nile gave a wounded sound, and Copley was kneeling on the floor at her feet, his own eyes moist, and Nile reached down to stroke the back of his neck gently even while she turned to speak to Booker. “You are being so harsh on yourself, beautiful,” she murmured. “I don’t think your wife would want that, don’t think she would want to see you so torn up with agony.” Andy curled closer to Booker, laying a hand on his chest. “These things are different, Book, and you can’t blame yourself for what you desire. I love Quynh more than anything in the world, she is my wife and my heart, but she and I are not compatible in this way. We make it work, because we each go and find our own subs to play with and then tell each other the details afterwards, or else we pick someone out together as a special treat. But I couldn’t imagine choosing between my love for Quynh and my love for a willing body kneeling at my feet. They are not at all the same and they are both so strong that I cannot deny either one, I would be a fool to try.”
“I am sorry that you have been carrying this guilt and grief with you, Booker. We will try and help you let it go,” Quynh said, rubbing a circle over his palm, and he could hardly believe this. Here, he had bared the worst, ugliest part of him, and they were still there at his side. “But...but it was wrong, what I did,” he stammered out. “I broke her trust, I went behind her back to find someone to hurt me, I hid it from her...” Andy looked as if she was having trouble contemplating the morality of it, which wasn’t terribly surprising given what an open and honest relationship she had with Quynh, and so Nile, gentle sweet Nile with her deeply-ingrained sense of right and wrong, stepped in.
“It would have been better if you had talked to her honestly about what you were needing and maybe you two could have figured something out, even if you didn’t think she was interested in this kind of thing. But I also think I understand why you did what you did, and why you didn’t tell her afterwards—you were trying to protect her, weren’t you?” He nodded, miserably, still curled up against Andy. “I didn’t want her to ever feel like she wasn’t enough,” he confessed. “She should have been enough, I’m the broken one who couldn’t be satisfied with her gentle love—“ Nile cut him off with a finger to his lips, shaking her head firmly. “I don’t want to hear you talk like that about yourself, Booker. You’re not broken, there’s nothing shameful or wrong about enjoying BDSM.” She looked, a little desperately, to Andy, knowing that if any of them would know how to go about fixing this, it would be her. Andy chewed her lip, thinking.
“You know why we punish people?” She asked Booker, finally. “Good Doms, I mean, not that ridiculous game Will was playing where he would deliberately set you up to fail.” Booker shrugged, swallowing against the lump in his throat. “Because we deserve it because we fucked up?”
Andy smiled, fond, and pressed a kiss to the top of his head. “I can see why you might think of it that way. I think of it somewhat differently, though. I punish people to set them free. We all mess up, Book, in small ways all the time and sometimes in big ways. If we don’t do anything about our mistakes, then that guilt just festers inside us, and gets worse and worse, until it threatens to consume us, like it’s consuming you now. When I punish someone, there’s a real reckoning, a clear endpoint so that when I forgive them, they can forgive themselves as well.”
Booker looked at her like she was describing an impossible dream, and the naked want and hope on his face made her heart clench. She sighed, nuzzling his hair a bit. “I don’t want you to give me an answer tonight, because you’re not in the right mindset to decide anything and I want you to have the time to think about this. But if you’re willing, I would like to help you through this, Book. I would ask that you give me all your Thursday nights for the next two months, if you say yes, and that other than telling me your hard limits, which I will always respect, I would ask that you not question what kind of punishment I think is most appropriate. And, just to be crystal clear, the only thing that I would be punishing you for is going behind your wife’s back to do a scene. All that other stuff you said about how you should have been satisfied squashing this side of you is not true and is not something that I’m willing to punish you for.” She gave his cheek a last soft kiss. “Just rest for now, Book, and give it some thought later.”
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timeasmymeasure
Re: Booker/Nile, Booker & Team, BDSM Club AU (3/?)
Date: 2020-10-12 07:43 am (UTC)Andy curled up on the bed next to him, and Quynh joined on the other side, and bracketed between the two of them he had never felt safer. “You’re in a bad way, aren’t you, sweetheart?” Andy asked, her fingers tracing indiscernible patterns in his hair. “I’m sorry that it took us so long to see it. I was worried, when I would see you come back from your scenes looking pretty badly injured and a bit off, but I didn’t imagine it was like this.”
Booker swallowed, deeply, and said “I consented to all of it, really I did,” like he needed her to know that, and it was Quynh who sighed. “That’s good, because otherwise Andy and I would have to kill these fools who have been playing with you, but it’s also a Dom’s job to read between the lines and to know when green isn’t green.” She pressed a gentle kiss to his forehead. “You can tell us everything, whenever you are ready, but I promise that we will never ever let you get hurt like that again. I don’t mean the physical pain,” she added as he started to interject. “I’m happy to give you that myself if you want. But we will take better care of you from now on.”
Booker sighed shakily and rested his head on Andy’s shoulder, closing his eyes and trying to focus on his breathing. “If I tell you everything, will you tell Nicky and Joe later?” He asked, nuzzling into Andy’s chest. “I can’t talk about it twice.” Nile was the one who spoke up first, confidently reassuring him that she would, that they would do whatever Booker needed.
“About a year after Joe and I graduated from college,” he started, hand reaching out to try and find something to comfort him, fisting in the sheets at first and then Quynh offered him her hand, squeezing gently. “I met the most amazing woman while I was back in France visiting my brother. Emilie. She was everything I could have ever dreamed off and we fell in love and got married in short order.” He sighed again. “She was perfect, my Emilie, and we were so happy together, except...” he waved his hand a bit, to encompass the selection of whips hanging on the wall, the St Andrews Cross in the corner, the whole club. “Except I had always craved this, Joe and I used to talk about it all the time in college, and my Emilie was the most vanilla person you could imagine. I brought it up with her only once, but it was clear that she would never want to try anything like what fuelled my fantasies.” He gave a little hitching sob and squeezed Quynh’s hand tighter. “I cheated on her. I don’t know how I could have done such a thing, she was such a lovely person. One time, when she was out of town, I came to a place like this. I didn’t do anything sexual, but that doesn’t matter, it was plenty intimate. I found a man, because I told myself that that was better, that it was alright because he was nothing like my beloved wife, let him beat me until I was bruised from head to toe. The bruises only just managed to heal by the time she came back from visiting her family.” He closed his eyes in shame, and Andy pressed a sweet kiss to his forehead, reassuring. “I never did it again, never told her. It ate at me, every day, the horrible guilt of it, the fact that even worse, I still craved how it had made me feel.” Tears welled up, and he did nothing to stop them. “And then my Emilie, the light of my life, got sick and died, and I don’t know how I could have ever wanted for anything more than her. I was so, so lucky to have her—how could I have been so weak as to still want more?”
Nile gave a wounded sound, and Copley was kneeling on the floor at her feet, his own eyes moist, and Nile reached down to stroke the back of his neck gently even while she turned to speak to Booker. “You are being so harsh on yourself, beautiful,” she murmured. “I don’t think your wife would want that, don’t think she would want to see you so torn up with agony.” Andy curled closer to Booker, laying a hand on his chest. “These things are different, Book, and you can’t blame yourself for what you desire. I love Quynh more than anything in the world, she is my wife and my heart, but she and I are not compatible in this way. We make it work, because we each go and find our own subs to play with and then tell each other the details afterwards, or else we pick someone out together as a special treat. But I couldn’t imagine choosing between my love for Quynh and my love for a willing body kneeling at my feet. They are not at all the same and they are both so strong that I cannot deny either one, I would be a fool to try.”
“I am sorry that you have been carrying this guilt and grief with you, Booker. We will try and help you let it go,” Quynh said, rubbing a circle over his palm, and he could hardly believe this. Here, he had bared the worst, ugliest part of him, and they were still there at his side. “But...but it was wrong, what I did,” he stammered out. “I broke her trust, I went behind her back to find someone to hurt me, I hid it from her...” Andy looked as if she was having trouble contemplating the morality of it, which wasn’t terribly surprising given what an open and honest relationship she had with Quynh, and so Nile, gentle sweet Nile with her deeply-ingrained sense of right and wrong, stepped in.
“It would have been better if you had talked to her honestly about what you were needing and maybe you two could have figured something out, even if you didn’t think she was interested in this kind of thing. But I also think I understand why you did what you did, and why you didn’t tell her afterwards—you were trying to protect her, weren’t you?” He nodded, miserably, still curled up against Andy. “I didn’t want her to ever feel like she wasn’t enough,” he confessed. “She should have been enough, I’m the broken one who couldn’t be satisfied with her gentle love—“ Nile cut him off with a finger to his lips, shaking her head firmly. “I don’t want to hear you talk like that about yourself, Booker. You’re not broken, there’s nothing shameful or wrong about enjoying BDSM.” She looked, a little desperately, to Andy, knowing that if any of them would know how to go about fixing this, it would be her. Andy chewed her lip, thinking.
“You know why we punish people?” She asked Booker, finally. “Good Doms, I mean, not that ridiculous game Will was playing where he would deliberately set you up to fail.” Booker shrugged, swallowing against the lump in his throat. “Because we deserve it because we fucked up?”
Andy smiled, fond, and pressed a kiss to the top of his head. “I can see why you might think of it that way. I think of it somewhat differently, though. I punish people to set them free. We all mess up, Book, in small ways all the time and sometimes in big ways. If we don’t do anything about our mistakes, then that guilt just festers inside us, and gets worse and worse, until it threatens to consume us, like it’s consuming you now. When I punish someone, there’s a real reckoning, a clear endpoint so that when I forgive them, they can forgive themselves as well.”
Booker looked at her like she was describing an impossible dream, and the naked want and hope on his face made her heart clench. She sighed, nuzzling his hair a bit. “I don’t want you to give me an answer tonight, because you’re not in the right mindset to decide anything and I want you to have the time to think about this. But if you’re willing, I would like to help you through this, Book. I would ask that you give me all your Thursday nights for the next two months, if you say yes, and that other than telling me your hard limits, which I will always respect, I would ask that you not question what kind of punishment I think is most appropriate. And, just to be crystal clear, the only thing that I would be punishing you for is going behind your wife’s back to do a scene. All that other stuff you said about how you should have been satisfied squashing this side of you is not true and is not something that I’m willing to punish you for.” She gave his cheek a last soft kiss. “Just rest for now, Book, and give it some thought later.”