theoldguardkinkmeme

Nicky had grown pale. His shoulders hunched up, and his eyes were distant. Joe reached out, taking Nicky’s hand in his bandaged one.

“You don’t have to,” Joe whispered.

Nicky shot him a pained smile, brushing a thumb over Joe’s knuckles. “I want to.”

Joe nodded.

“I’ve actually always loved when people played with my hair, ever since I was small,” Nicky began. “I guess my scalp is very sensitive.” He shrugged. “But, when I was eighteen, when I was really discovering who I was, I started dating an older man.” Nicky swallowed. “Married.”

Joe held his breath. It was the first time Nicky had ever talked about a past relationship. Nicky looked so incredibly raw and exposed Joe wanted to cover him up again but instead he stayed utterly silent, holding Nicky’s hand loosely.

“He… he treated me like shit to be honest,” Nicky said a bitter laugh in his throat. “But I was young and I thought it was love.” He met Joe’s eyes for a moment then glanced back down to their hands. “But he was married and he didn’t care about me. I was just so desperate for any scrap of affection. I was so willing to ignore other’s feelings, my own dignity. And I knew what I was doing was wrong and hurtful but every time I tried to leave …” Nicky took a deep breath.

“Every time I tried to leave, I let him reel me back. It always ended with him …” He paused again. “With him fucking me in some cheap hotel room and leaving. But the one thing he always did, the one thing I always asked him to do, was pull my hair.” Nicky took a deep, shuddering breath.

The pieces started clicking into place. Joe wanted to be sick.

“It took a long time, after I finally broke it off with him, to even look at myself in the mirror again.” Nicky steadied himself. “I promised myself I would never let myself become so careless, so desperate ever again. And I was doing fine, good even. I managed to live my life without hurting anyone, without letting anyone get close enough to hurt me. And then I met you.”

Nicky brought his other hand up and Joe immediately reached for it. It was freezing, as if all the blood in Nicky’s body had gone directly to his heart. Joe brought Nicky’s palm to his face, which was hot with new understanding.

Nicky let out a choked noise as he looked at Joe, his eyes burning.

“I met you and for some reason you offered me all this attention and affection and it was…” Nicky looked around as if the words would materialize in front of him. “It was like the sun had emerged from the clouds.”

Nicky’s thumb stroked along Joe’s cheekbone, so softly, as if Joe was made of glass.

“And I thought, as long as I had some barrier, some rules, I could hide that side of me. As long as you didn’t see the desperate, needy monster I am, it would be okay.” Nicky said, his voice thick.

Joe clamped his mouth shut, the muscle in his jaw jumping wildly under Nicky’s fingers. He so wanted to interrupt but he knew Nicky also needed the catharsis of revelation, he needed Joe to see him in this moment and Joe would never deny him that.

“But as usual, I fucked everything up. I let myself get more and more attached to you. I thought I could keep what we had going without ever having to reveal what I am to you. But it didn’t work. And then I ghosted you because I was too much of a coward to deal with it. I was afraid if you knew how much I was willing to debase myself for the merest crumb of affection you wouldn’t be able to look at me anymore, let alone touch me,” Nicky exhaled shakily.

Joe noticed then that Nicky was trembling, adrenaline pumping through his veins. Joe readjusted himself so he was kneeling between Nicky’s knees on the floor. He dropped Nicky’s hands and took hold of his shoulders firmly.

“It’s okay to want things, Nicky. Fuck that guy for making you feel like you don’t deserve love or affection,” Joe said, trying to maintain some semblance of calm in his voice. “And fuck him for using your body against you.”

Joe’s hands travelled up to Nicky’s face and he let out a muffled sob, his face contorting painfully.

“You are so worthy, Nicky. From the moment I met you I wanted to be closer to you. Every moment I spend with you makes that want grow deeper and deeper.” Joe found he was whispering now, close to Nicky’s ear. “You are so important to me.”

And then Nicky was crying, great big tears tracking their way down his face. The sobs seemed to be wrenched from his body and all Joe could do was hold him, rub his back. Nicky clutched onto him like he was driftwood in an ocean, the only hope for salvation.

Joe held him back tightly, he wanted to shush him, soothe him but he sensed that Nicky needed this, he needed someone to listen to his pain.

Joe could do that, he thought, he would let Nicky cry forever if he needed to.

After what seemed like forever, Nicky looked up at Joe, his eyes bright, the green-blue contrasted with the now bright red rims. “Why are you so good to me?” He asked, his voice so small it made Joe’s chest ache.

“Because you deserve it,” Joe answered instantly. “Because I care about you, so much.”

Nicky’s chin trembled, he looked away from Joe as if it was painful for him just to see the adoration there. He wept, silently this time, and Joe leaned in to wipe the tears away. He followed each brush of his thumb with his lips, placing reverent, chaste kisses on each of Nicky’s tear-stained cheeks.

Nicky looked up at him, a question in his eyes.

Joe smiled tenderly down, an answer on his lips.

Nicky surged up to kiss Joe, soft and wet. And Joe reciprocated gently. They stayed there for a moment, then Nicky leaned back. A shy smile reflected in each of their faces. Joe ran his hands up and down Nicky’s arms, soothing any nervousness that buzzed through him.

Joe got up suddenly and grabbed Nicky a glass of water from the sink. Nicky drank it down gratefully.

“I should…” Nicky said finally, moving to get up. Once standing they realized just how cramped the bathroom was.

They stood there for a moment. Joe brought his other hand up to Nicky’s wet face. He traced the dark circles there. Nicky looked so tired.

“I haven’t been sleeping well,” Nicky mumbled.

“Stay,” Joe said quietly, taking his hand and not letting go.

They drifted through the apartment to the bedroom. The rain was still tapping lightly against the window as Joe looked around. Not too messy, he thought with relief. Some clothes were scattered about the floor and there was a precarious pile of books on his nightstand but other than that it was fit for a guest. His bed, soft olive linen sheets, a fluffy down duvet, looked incredibly inviting.

“Is that my sweater?” Nicky suddenly asked.

There it was, balled up by Joe’s pillow.

Joe thought about lying. He thought about flinging it into the corner and asking, What sweater? I don’t see a sweater. But he was tired. He was tired of hiding and after Nicky had let himself be seen so raw, so thoroughly exposed, it felt only fair.

He looked at Nicky meaningfully. “Yes.”

Nicky smiled but Joe could see his eyes were becoming misty again.

“No more of that, come on.” Joe got them each some sweatpants and soft old t-shirts. He turned away as Nicky changed, oddly nervous all of the sudden. Joe jumped quickly into the bed and fluffed up the pillows, mushed around the duvet. Nicky followed.

Joe settled quickly while Nicky fidgeted a bit, trying to get comfortable. Finally Joe gently turned him on his side and looped his arms around him. Nicky exhaled and rested an arm atop Joe’s.

“You know,” Nicky whispered, so quiet that Joe might’ve missed it. “Every night, I put on your videos but I just …” Joe could sense a confession coming, the type of honesty that only comes in total darkness, in a shared bed with your eyes shut, when the whole world is asleep. “I would just skip to the end and I would play it over and over again.”

Joe smiled, his heart beating forcefully in his chest as he pulled Nicky closer to him. His lips brushed Nicky’s ear and Nicky shivered.

“Sweet dreams, Nicky. I’ll take care of you. I love you.” Joe whispered, over and over and over again until Nicky was asleep in his arms.